I seem to have a habit of not blogging. Then again, that is because my life is quite boring and now that all the cancer has gone away, I seem to be back to my boring old self.
Actually, my little sister is turning 21 today and its making me feel very old indeed. There was a time in my life when I was taller than her. Now I'm shorter than her. It's odd really how genetics work. She's going to go out with her friends tomorrow night, and hopefully be super safe while having fun at the same time. But I had a Dangers of Alcohol talk with her in the car last night and I know shes going to be ok.
So the other day I was talking to a friend via e-mail at work about what I was going through still in my emotional state. I still find it hard to think about babies and my not being able to have any. I still feel intense jealousy at the women who can and do have babies, when I know that in this life time, that is something that I will never experience. I know that there are lots of women out there who are in the same boat as I am, not being able to have children and feeling like they are less of a woman. And its true, I do feel like less of a woman because of it.
I know it's silly to equate my gender to my ability to have children, I am a woman, despite the fact that I am no longer able to bear children. I know that in my brain. Yet sometimes, it blindsides me that I just absolutely won't ever be a woman in the traditional sense. Just thinking about it makes me feel less of a woman. I think about it more often than I let on too.
Work is pretty boring and since its so monotonousness, it allows my brain time to wander. And I think about what my kids would have looked like, if I never had cancer. I wonder if they would have my curly hair and hazel eyes. Or would they look like my as yet unknown, unseen future spouse. Would they have a shy smile and a huge laugh or would they be so outgoing that I would worry for their safety, just as my parents did for me. I get so tied up in these thoughts that I depress myself for a few hours. It sucks, but...... I guess that's the way that these things go.
I suppose eventually I'll stop thinking about it. And I'll stop being jealous of women who can have kids. Eventually seems a long time away tho. A really, long, time.
I suppose there is nothing that I can do but hope that one day soon, I'll come to terms with this new reality that I have, and let go of all the pain.
Actually, my little sister is turning 21 today and its making me feel very old indeed. There was a time in my life when I was taller than her. Now I'm shorter than her. It's odd really how genetics work. She's going to go out with her friends tomorrow night, and hopefully be super safe while having fun at the same time. But I had a Dangers of Alcohol talk with her in the car last night and I know shes going to be ok.
So the other day I was talking to a friend via e-mail at work about what I was going through still in my emotional state. I still find it hard to think about babies and my not being able to have any. I still feel intense jealousy at the women who can and do have babies, when I know that in this life time, that is something that I will never experience. I know that there are lots of women out there who are in the same boat as I am, not being able to have children and feeling like they are less of a woman. And its true, I do feel like less of a woman because of it.
I know it's silly to equate my gender to my ability to have children, I am a woman, despite the fact that I am no longer able to bear children. I know that in my brain. Yet sometimes, it blindsides me that I just absolutely won't ever be a woman in the traditional sense. Just thinking about it makes me feel less of a woman. I think about it more often than I let on too.
Work is pretty boring and since its so monotonousness, it allows my brain time to wander. And I think about what my kids would have looked like, if I never had cancer. I wonder if they would have my curly hair and hazel eyes. Or would they look like my as yet unknown, unseen future spouse. Would they have a shy smile and a huge laugh or would they be so outgoing that I would worry for their safety, just as my parents did for me. I get so tied up in these thoughts that I depress myself for a few hours. It sucks, but...... I guess that's the way that these things go.
I suppose eventually I'll stop thinking about it. And I'll stop being jealous of women who can have kids. Eventually seems a long time away tho. A really, long, time.
I suppose there is nothing that I can do but hope that one day soon, I'll come to terms with this new reality that I have, and let go of all the pain.
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