I've got songs from Dr. Horrible stuck in my head.

Well, let's see. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and since I'm extremely poor, we're going to the Haleiwa Market tomorrow morning and spending the day with my mom there. Also, apparently there's going to be a free concert with Jack Johnson, so that's a plus. It's not like I listen to his music all that much, (because he does make me quite sleepy with his dulcet tones.) But it should be neat to see him there. Also, its going to be packed, so we might have to leave very early from here.

Today we celebrated my brother's birthday. Yeah, the one that's screwed us over so many times I don't even care to think about it. While I haven't forgiven him, and I'm still not talking to him, and I still don't trust him as far as I can see him, I did get him a card and a birthday present, which, being as poor as I am, was just a box of Whoppers, his favorite candy.

However, I got to see my nephew and play with him, and feel sad that I won't have kids. But that sadness was tampered when he started SCREAMING his head off. So that made me feel a bit more comforted about my whole situation.

Anyway, I was out in the sun for the afternoon, cooking on the grill, so I feel a bit burnt around the edges and tomorrow is going to be even better because lord knows how long we're going to hang around the Market. But I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to take my camera so there should be some really nice pictures. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

One last thing before I head off to shower (because all of me smells like smoke) if you're wondering about my title for this post, go check it out. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, is my fave.

That is all.

I feel so lonely.

Sorry for my unoriginal title. But this morning I woke up in a terrible mood, made even more darker by the fact that my parents were going to the movies, to see The Avengers, which I want to see more than life it's self... BUT not on opening weekend.  I never go to movies opening weekend. Too much people, and we all know that I do not like too much people.... Unless they're dressed up like movie/comic book/ cartoon characters. The last time they went out on a Sunday, they came back fighting with each other, and seriously, I do not want to be apart of their arguments. Also, I'm going to be 30, I think I might be a bit too old to still be hanging out with my parents. Oh, and they didn't even have enough money for gas, let alone a movie, so since I don't have extra money to spare on movie tickets... And even tho I knew they would pay for me... eh. Also, they need date times too.

So my sister is going to the Zoo with her boyfriend, which she didn't see fit to invite me to, which is fine, because she never went with me on any of my dates, and I seriously don't expect her to include me in her dates. And since she didn't invite me, and I didn't ask, when my parents made her ask me, I had to turn her down. Her boyfriend is leaving in less than two weeks, and she needs to spend as much time with him as she can. I can't take that away from her because I know what its like to care about someone and watch them walk away. It hurts like fire in your chest, and worse than anything else because there's nothing you can do to heal yourself. Anyway, I think my refusal made everyone in my family miffed with me.

But everyone is paired off, and I didn't want to be the third wheel anywhere. Is that wrong of me to feel that way?  Is it wrong of me? Because I kind of feel like an asshole. They're all thinking about me and how I spend way too much time by myself lately. How I'd rather be with the dog than any other living person now days.

But I'm lonely. I'm lonely and sad and depressed and I think that's because of hormones. I'm on estrogen and its giving me mood swings. And it sucks. Since I can't talk to my mom about any of this because she breaks down into tears every time I even think about bringing up my cancer, I can't tell her. And since I unload everything on my sister, I'm feeling like I'm a burden on her. And since I'm not close to my dad I don't tell him anything. I just keep it in. And wait til I feel  like shit and cry and cry and cry.

So I'm home alone, my parents are at the movies, my sister is at her boyfriends house picking him up to go to the Zoo and I'm here writing an blog entry that no one will read. So even on the internet, with billions and billions of people, I'm still all alone.

I fear that I'll always be this way, because this is the way that it's always been. So I'm just going to sit here and cry and cry and cry and be sad and tomorrow, I'm going to get up and pretend to be OK in my brain and go to work and forget that today happened. Because sooner or later I have to feel OK with being alone. And most times I am OK with it. I'm good with it. It's just today because everyone is pairing off.

So today, I feel lonely. I suppose I'll always be lonely. The lonely old lady making baby blankets for everyone who can have kids, who have relationships, who are happy. And I'll be alone, with the dog making blankets feeling sad because I'm alone.

Good news is better than bad news.

Well, I feel much better. The sciatic pain has much improved and my back pain is completely gone. So I'll be headed to work tomorrow.

Also good news, I don't have cervical cancer. Partly because I don't possess a cervix, and partially because the top of my vag doesn't seem to be growing cancer. So that's good.

Hormones are weird.

Ok, so my OBGYN put me on estrogen. The first thing I noticed was that every single time I ate something after I took the pill, my stomach would hurt. Well now that I've been at it a week my nipples are so freaking sensitive that they hurt all the time. For any reason. If I reach out and accidentally brush against them, it hurts like a muther. When I put on my bra I have to do so very gingerly because if I'm too rough with my boobs it hurts.

My back it still hurting, but now it hurts when I lay down. Standing doesn't hurt. Sitting hurts a bit. I guess after almost two weeks of pain, I need to get it checked out already. And while I'm there I need to ask about post-menopausal things. I guess I need to go and make an appointment for tomorrow. I've been putting it off for a few weeks. I hate going to the doctors.

Anyway I'll only make an appointment if it's really bad tomorrow. So we'll see.

I am one crafty bitch.

I forgot. Here are the pictures of the Kanzashi flowers that I made.

It seems that I make them in fours. Anyway. Cutting up rayon shirts suck balls. But because I'm poor and I need fabric, I need to cut up my papa's shirts to make more flowers.

Aren't they lovely?

I think I'm going to Boston

To a school. It's called North Bennet Street.

It's a private vocational school. I want to take the bookbinding course. It's two years, super expensive, and at the end of it, I can work in a library/university/museum repairing books. Or I could open my own book repair shop. Or something.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to do what I really want (art conservation) because the good programs are in the mainland and take forever to complete. And I'm old. And I'm too stupid. Far too stupid to go to Harvard or Princeton.

At least at NBSS I could still be repairing old things, and still work in a museum, which has always been what I wanted to do.

But it's expensive. On the east cost away from my family and friend (thats not a typo. I only have one friend) And I'm so stupid poor it's not funny.

I've just made myself so sad thinking about it.

The two people I trust the most are teasing me about the things that I like.

At least Movies don't tease me for liking them. This is why I don't go out and meet new people, and why new people don't get very far into being my friend.

I trust no one. And would prefer to be alone.