What a crap ass day today was! I swear to goodness, today was the worst day ever. It started off with my actually having to go to work *grrrrrr* Then while at work, I screwed up, and kept screwing up :\ UGH. I told someone today: "You know the cancer won't get a chance to make all my hair fall out, with the way things are going, I'm gonna end up pulling it all out today, and saving myself the trouble later on." Yeah, it was that kind of a day. I was so stressed out that my boss came in and told me that I needed to calm down because the stress isnt good for me. Preaching to the converted brother, because my lady bits started to ache, and when that happens, I end up bleeding. And because I'm on the progesterone, I know that I'm having a hemorrhaging thing. It's scary.
But I did accomplish something today. I set up my direct deposit! Yay me! One more thing crossed off my list, one less thing that I have to do before my surgery.
.....
When I got home, from work, my mom asked me about harvesting my eggs. So I told her what I told you a few days ago. I'm not gonna do it, because there is no guarantee, and if the cancer has (gods forbid) spread so much that I'm going to be dead in 5 years anyway (or sooner) it doesn't make much sense to waste all that money. That lead into a conversation about what to do in case something went wrong during the surgery.
It's not like this possibility doesn't cross my mind every single day, at least 20 times a day. I know that no surgery is risk free, and I could possibly die because of it. So I've thought about what I want to happen to me.... Just in case.
If I die, and if they can revive me, I want them to try. If I end up in a coma, I don't want to live like that, so I want them to pull the plug, and if I die, then I die. In the even that I do pass away, I want to be cremated. It will be up to my family on what to do with the ashes. Whether or not to have a service would be up to my family at the event of my death. The service isn't for me, it's for them, and the people who care about me. I don't think I'd want some fussy thing at a church. Maybe just a back yard bbq where people can be casual and just hang out and talk and grieve.
It really sucks that I have to think about these things, but it is something that needs to be known, because I don't want my family to be floundering if i end up dying.
I hope to hell that they just take out the uterus and everything will be honkey dorey. I know that my mom said that one of her co-workers nieces went through this and they took out her bits and shes now cancer free. I want that for me too. More than anything.
Anyway, she said that I should write it down, and keep it in our safe, so that in case anything happened, she could have something concrete to go by. I will write it, I think I'll start a list and then actually write it out, just so I make sure I have everything in order. I like lists a lot. They give me a goal, and a reminder. I can be pretty forgetful.
I have 39 days left before my surgery. Waiting is the hardest part.
But I did accomplish something today. I set up my direct deposit! Yay me! One more thing crossed off my list, one less thing that I have to do before my surgery.
.....
When I got home, from work, my mom asked me about harvesting my eggs. So I told her what I told you a few days ago. I'm not gonna do it, because there is no guarantee, and if the cancer has (gods forbid) spread so much that I'm going to be dead in 5 years anyway (or sooner) it doesn't make much sense to waste all that money. That lead into a conversation about what to do in case something went wrong during the surgery.
It's not like this possibility doesn't cross my mind every single day, at least 20 times a day. I know that no surgery is risk free, and I could possibly die because of it. So I've thought about what I want to happen to me.... Just in case.
If I die, and if they can revive me, I want them to try. If I end up in a coma, I don't want to live like that, so I want them to pull the plug, and if I die, then I die. In the even that I do pass away, I want to be cremated. It will be up to my family on what to do with the ashes. Whether or not to have a service would be up to my family at the event of my death. The service isn't for me, it's for them, and the people who care about me. I don't think I'd want some fussy thing at a church. Maybe just a back yard bbq where people can be casual and just hang out and talk and grieve.
It really sucks that I have to think about these things, but it is something that needs to be known, because I don't want my family to be floundering if i end up dying.
I hope to hell that they just take out the uterus and everything will be honkey dorey. I know that my mom said that one of her co-workers nieces went through this and they took out her bits and shes now cancer free. I want that for me too. More than anything.
Anyway, she said that I should write it down, and keep it in our safe, so that in case anything happened, she could have something concrete to go by. I will write it, I think I'll start a list and then actually write it out, just so I make sure I have everything in order. I like lists a lot. They give me a goal, and a reminder. I can be pretty forgetful.
I have 39 days left before my surgery. Waiting is the hardest part.
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