So there's this guy. He's one of my best friends, ever, and we... well. you know. It was a mistake that I'd gladly make over and over and over again, because no matter the amount of heart ache, and tears, and pain, deep down inside, I know that the time I spent with him was so worth it.
Anyway, the reason why I bring him up today is because we talk every so often, and it gives me some comfort to know that he's still as single as I am. The problem comes with this new development. He went to Disneyland this last week end with a friend from school. Which means that if they didn't want to look like creepy pedophiles, he went with a woman. He also broke his pinky, doing... something. Kinky sex with his friend I says. But I don't know this, and I know he won't tell me.
So now I'm looking at his guy, who I understand that I still have feelings for, in a more than just friendship kind of way, and I know that he now might be looking at this new 'friend,' the way that I look at him. anway, we used to be 'friends' like that too.
So the point of this, other than confusing the hell out of half of you, and getting my thoughts out in the open is I don't know if I can handle if him and this 'friend' are he and I kind of 'friends.'
In my bubble of things I can handle, that doesn't really fit anywhere inside. And I know it seems illogical, because I feel like it is. But I don't know how he feels about me (just friends, I suppose.) He has a hard time caring about things, and I don't know how much/little he cares about me.
It's stupid to dedicate an ENTIRE entry about him. But he's an important part of my life, and I don't think he understand this. I don't think he gets that. And it saddens me and frustrates me because I know deep down in my gut that this is still a one sided thing.
....
Everyone at work is still worried about me. Still asking me about whats going on. I feel sad having to explain it to everyone, all the time. But conversely the more I talk about it, the more real it becomes, the more scared it makes me. I want to have kids someday if I fall in love. I want that for myself. But it won't happen. The falling in love part or the kid part.
The only person I ever did fall in love with, didn't want to be in love with me (see above). I'm tired. And sad. And scared. I wish I didn't have feelings. Feelings make me sad.
Anyway, the reason why I bring him up today is because we talk every so often, and it gives me some comfort to know that he's still as single as I am. The problem comes with this new development. He went to Disneyland this last week end with a friend from school. Which means that if they didn't want to look like creepy pedophiles, he went with a woman. He also broke his pinky, doing... something. Kinky sex with his friend I says. But I don't know this, and I know he won't tell me.
So now I'm looking at his guy, who I understand that I still have feelings for, in a more than just friendship kind of way, and I know that he now might be looking at this new 'friend,' the way that I look at him. anway, we used to be 'friends' like that too.
So the point of this, other than confusing the hell out of half of you, and getting my thoughts out in the open is I don't know if I can handle if him and this 'friend' are he and I kind of 'friends.'
In my bubble of things I can handle, that doesn't really fit anywhere inside. And I know it seems illogical, because I feel like it is. But I don't know how he feels about me (just friends, I suppose.) He has a hard time caring about things, and I don't know how much/little he cares about me.
It's stupid to dedicate an ENTIRE entry about him. But he's an important part of my life, and I don't think he understand this. I don't think he gets that. And it saddens me and frustrates me because I know deep down in my gut that this is still a one sided thing.
....
Everyone at work is still worried about me. Still asking me about whats going on. I feel sad having to explain it to everyone, all the time. But conversely the more I talk about it, the more real it becomes, the more scared it makes me. I want to have kids someday if I fall in love. I want that for myself. But it won't happen. The falling in love part or the kid part.
The only person I ever did fall in love with, didn't want to be in love with me (see above). I'm tired. And sad. And scared. I wish I didn't have feelings. Feelings make me sad.
Comments
Post a Comment