Growing up I never planned my wedding as a child. As an adult, I've frequently told my mother that I wanted to get married in Vegas, in jeans and a tee-shirt that read "Bride" on my back, by Elvis. She laughed it off, but secretly, shes afraid that I'll actually do it.
I've also never wanted children. I was nine when my little sister was born, so I had to help out. It was then that I figured out that children, are messy, smelly and needy. They were so tiny and yet carried such a HUGE responsibility. My nine year old self knew then that children were going to be something that I wanted on. And I have waited.
Nearly twenty years later, and I still have no children to call my own. I've been fairly successful in keeping my promise to myself.
But now, with this cancer, I'm feeling.... Saddened, buy the thought of the possibility of never knowing what it's like to carry my own child. To look at my growing body in the mirror and know that I'm protecting this precious life under my heart. To never feel labor pains, and to never curse out my husband as I push forth a little person. I might never know what its like to look down at a baby and see myself reflected up at me. To watch some separate being with my mannerisms, my curly hair, my hazel eyes. Or to be angry at my husband because all our kids look like him.
I knew I'd never go bungee jumping, or sky diving, or white water rafting. I knew I'd never walk on the moon, or live at the bottom of the ocean. I just never ever thought that I might have to add 'not having kids' to that list.
I've also never wanted children. I was nine when my little sister was born, so I had to help out. It was then that I figured out that children, are messy, smelly and needy. They were so tiny and yet carried such a HUGE responsibility. My nine year old self knew then that children were going to be something that I wanted on. And I have waited.
Nearly twenty years later, and I still have no children to call my own. I've been fairly successful in keeping my promise to myself.
But now, with this cancer, I'm feeling.... Saddened, buy the thought of the possibility of never knowing what it's like to carry my own child. To look at my growing body in the mirror and know that I'm protecting this precious life under my heart. To never feel labor pains, and to never curse out my husband as I push forth a little person. I might never know what its like to look down at a baby and see myself reflected up at me. To watch some separate being with my mannerisms, my curly hair, my hazel eyes. Or to be angry at my husband because all our kids look like him.
I knew I'd never go bungee jumping, or sky diving, or white water rafting. I knew I'd never walk on the moon, or live at the bottom of the ocean. I just never ever thought that I might have to add 'not having kids' to that list.
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