Work was a long ass day. 12 hours, just as predicted, AND with a sore back on top of that. Gah. What a crazy day. It was funny because all the supervisors knew about my bad back today and they were all asking me about how it felt, and if I was doing any heavy lifting. It's nice to be asked about something other than my cancer, although that was brought up too.
So I was thinking again, reminiscing really about the men that I've dated, and I was just thinking that I make really great decisions when picking out guys. Great in the fact that they are gentlemen, who are sweet and kind. Not so great in the fact that they all saw me as a rebound girl. It hurts.... But, that's life. Speaking of rebound, when I don't talk to him, he doesn't really exist in my world... I mean he does, but on the edges. But when I do talk to him I get consumed with this obsessive need to know every tiny little thing that is going on with him. I think that comes from his FTF point of view and my 'why-can't-you-care-about-me-the-way-I-care-about-you?" point of view. I'm really afraid that he's gonna tell me he's dating this friend of his, and then... On top of everything else.... I don't know, oddly enough I'd be crushed.... Why? I still can't figure it out. Maybe because I still have very strong feelings for him. Feelings that are gone mostly (until we talk.... maybe its a sign that we should stop talking..... Maybe not. I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore where he's concerned.) I think its because I'm still hung up on him enough to know that I would be hurt if he started dating anyone, but it's not like I have a say over what he does in his life (he's made that so very clear) nor do I want that kind of power over him. I want things to be like they were before. It's silly and stupid to want things that used to be, but I suppose that's apart of growing and moving. To obsess over things until they mean nothing and then it will be nothing. Why can't I just erase my feelings for him like I do chalk from a black board?
Once again, I wasted a whole shit load of your time. Sorry. I shouldn't answer his e-mails before I post something here. It always screws me up. :( Forgive me?
Anyway. Back to topic (if there was indeed a topic) There was a bake sale at work, and Mister Lu, the master cookie maker at my job, made a whole crap load of cookies, of which I bought three bags full. They're chewy and chocolaty and yummy. I can't wait til my sister comes home because shes going to flip out.
....
I'm thinking of making a will just in case something happens. Making letters out to the different people that I have things to say to, and whatnot. It won't be anything elobrate or fancy, like in that movie with Gerard Butler and Million Dollar Baby chick... (what is her name?!) OH! Hilliary Swank. It'll just be last words that I want them to keep that are from me, to them. A special little thing for everyone that I love, so that they can have something that is just for them. I don't know. It's silly to be thinking of these things now right? I mean, I won't know anything until the surgery, but... I'm afraid of the operation. People sometimes don't make it out of operations.
So I was thinking again, reminiscing really about the men that I've dated, and I was just thinking that I make really great decisions when picking out guys. Great in the fact that they are gentlemen, who are sweet and kind. Not so great in the fact that they all saw me as a rebound girl. It hurts.... But, that's life. Speaking of rebound, when I don't talk to him, he doesn't really exist in my world... I mean he does, but on the edges. But when I do talk to him I get consumed with this obsessive need to know every tiny little thing that is going on with him. I think that comes from his FTF point of view and my 'why-can't-you-care-about-me-the-way-I-care-about-you?" point of view. I'm really afraid that he's gonna tell me he's dating this friend of his, and then... On top of everything else.... I don't know, oddly enough I'd be crushed.... Why? I still can't figure it out. Maybe because I still have very strong feelings for him. Feelings that are gone mostly (until we talk.... maybe its a sign that we should stop talking..... Maybe not. I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore where he's concerned.) I think its because I'm still hung up on him enough to know that I would be hurt if he started dating anyone, but it's not like I have a say over what he does in his life (he's made that so very clear) nor do I want that kind of power over him. I want things to be like they were before. It's silly and stupid to want things that used to be, but I suppose that's apart of growing and moving. To obsess over things until they mean nothing and then it will be nothing. Why can't I just erase my feelings for him like I do chalk from a black board?
Once again, I wasted a whole shit load of your time. Sorry. I shouldn't answer his e-mails before I post something here. It always screws me up. :( Forgive me?
Anyway. Back to topic (if there was indeed a topic) There was a bake sale at work, and Mister Lu, the master cookie maker at my job, made a whole crap load of cookies, of which I bought three bags full. They're chewy and chocolaty and yummy. I can't wait til my sister comes home because shes going to flip out.
....
I'm thinking of making a will just in case something happens. Making letters out to the different people that I have things to say to, and whatnot. It won't be anything elobrate or fancy, like in that movie with Gerard Butler and Million Dollar Baby chick... (what is her name?!) OH! Hilliary Swank. It'll just be last words that I want them to keep that are from me, to them. A special little thing for everyone that I love, so that they can have something that is just for them. I don't know. It's silly to be thinking of these things now right? I mean, I won't know anything until the surgery, but... I'm afraid of the operation. People sometimes don't make it out of operations.
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