Sorry for my unoriginal title. But this morning I woke up in a terrible mood, made even more darker by the fact that my parents were going to the movies, to see The Avengers, which I want to see more than life it's self... BUT not on opening weekend. I never go to movies opening weekend. Too much people, and we all know that I do not like too much people.... Unless they're dressed up like movie/comic book/ cartoon characters. The last time they went out on a Sunday, they came back fighting with each other, and seriously, I do not want to be apart of their arguments. Also, I'm going to be 30, I think I might be a bit too old to still be hanging out with my parents. Oh, and they didn't even have enough money for gas, let alone a movie, so since I don't have extra money to spare on movie tickets... And even tho I knew they would pay for me... eh. Also, they need date times too.
So my sister is going to the Zoo with her boyfriend, which she didn't see fit to invite me to, which is fine, because she never went with me on any of my dates, and I seriously don't expect her to include me in her dates. And since she didn't invite me, and I didn't ask, when my parents made her ask me, I had to turn her down. Her boyfriend is leaving in less than two weeks, and she needs to spend as much time with him as she can. I can't take that away from her because I know what its like to care about someone and watch them walk away. It hurts like fire in your chest, and worse than anything else because there's nothing you can do to heal yourself. Anyway, I think my refusal made everyone in my family miffed with me.
But everyone is paired off, and I didn't want to be the third wheel anywhere. Is that wrong of me to feel that way? Is it wrong of me? Because I kind of feel like an asshole. They're all thinking about me and how I spend way too much time by myself lately. How I'd rather be with the dog than any other living person now days.
But I'm lonely. I'm lonely and sad and depressed and I think that's because of hormones. I'm on estrogen and its giving me mood swings. And it sucks. Since I can't talk to my mom about any of this because she breaks down into tears every time I even think about bringing up my cancer, I can't tell her. And since I unload everything on my sister, I'm feeling like I'm a burden on her. And since I'm not close to my dad I don't tell him anything. I just keep it in. And wait til I feel like shit and cry and cry and cry.
So I'm home alone, my parents are at the movies, my sister is at her boyfriends house picking him up to go to the Zoo and I'm here writing an blog entry that no one will read. So even on the internet, with billions and billions of people, I'm still all alone.
I fear that I'll always be this way, because this is the way that it's always been. So I'm just going to sit here and cry and cry and cry and be sad and tomorrow, I'm going to get up and pretend to be OK in my brain and go to work and forget that today happened. Because sooner or later I have to feel OK with being alone. And most times I am OK with it. I'm good with it. It's just today because everyone is pairing off.
So today, I feel lonely. I suppose I'll always be lonely. The lonely old lady making baby blankets for everyone who can have kids, who have relationships, who are happy. And I'll be alone, with the dog making blankets feeling sad because I'm alone.
So my sister is going to the Zoo with her boyfriend, which she didn't see fit to invite me to, which is fine, because she never went with me on any of my dates, and I seriously don't expect her to include me in her dates. And since she didn't invite me, and I didn't ask, when my parents made her ask me, I had to turn her down. Her boyfriend is leaving in less than two weeks, and she needs to spend as much time with him as she can. I can't take that away from her because I know what its like to care about someone and watch them walk away. It hurts like fire in your chest, and worse than anything else because there's nothing you can do to heal yourself. Anyway, I think my refusal made everyone in my family miffed with me.
But everyone is paired off, and I didn't want to be the third wheel anywhere. Is that wrong of me to feel that way? Is it wrong of me? Because I kind of feel like an asshole. They're all thinking about me and how I spend way too much time by myself lately. How I'd rather be with the dog than any other living person now days.
But I'm lonely. I'm lonely and sad and depressed and I think that's because of hormones. I'm on estrogen and its giving me mood swings. And it sucks. Since I can't talk to my mom about any of this because she breaks down into tears every time I even think about bringing up my cancer, I can't tell her. And since I unload everything on my sister, I'm feeling like I'm a burden on her. And since I'm not close to my dad I don't tell him anything. I just keep it in. And wait til I feel like shit and cry and cry and cry.
So I'm home alone, my parents are at the movies, my sister is at her boyfriends house picking him up to go to the Zoo and I'm here writing an blog entry that no one will read. So even on the internet, with billions and billions of people, I'm still all alone.
I fear that I'll always be this way, because this is the way that it's always been. So I'm just going to sit here and cry and cry and cry and be sad and tomorrow, I'm going to get up and pretend to be OK in my brain and go to work and forget that today happened. Because sooner or later I have to feel OK with being alone. And most times I am OK with it. I'm good with it. It's just today because everyone is pairing off.
So today, I feel lonely. I suppose I'll always be lonely. The lonely old lady making baby blankets for everyone who can have kids, who have relationships, who are happy. And I'll be alone, with the dog making blankets feeling sad because I'm alone.
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