I suppose an explanation of my family is in order. We all grew up in the 80's in the lower income part of the island... I guess that's what we'll call it.
Anyway, it was a great time to be a kid. TV show's were so limited to Sesame Street and Reading Rainbow. We were riding our bikes all day until the sun went down and my mom shouted for me to come inside for dinner. There was a park behind of our house that was over grown and had a burnt out building that I used to explore all the time. It was good to be a kid in the 80's.
When I was a child, my three older cousins, ignored me. Pretended that I wasn't there, especially after I reached a certain age, because they became teenagers and too cool to hang out with me... Or even talk to me for that matter. Because I didn't have any cousins my own age (that I knew of, I found out about one when I was about 18, and couldn't careless at that point) I was the biggest loner ever. I played by myself in the yard, I sat on the porch and watched the other kids in the neighborhood play because even they had this love/hate relationship with me. The girls in the neighborhood would let me tag along, but I always knew I wasn't wanted, until they got into fights. Then they would fight over each other over who would get my attention. Until they made up and decided that I was no longer that interesting. I hardly had friends at school because I was a chubby kid with light skin and very curly frizzy hair, which no one in my house could figure out how to deal with. I got picked on a lot. So I stayed away from the other kids. Hung out at the edges of the play ground, kept my head down, and kept to myself.
I suppose that's why when I finally met the first person in the history of my life, to be accepting of me, no matter how much of a spaz I was or how fat I was or how curly my hair was, I loved her all the more for seeing past all that shit, and saw the shy, terrified girl and brought her out of her shell. I still count her as one of my most valued friends, even if she lives a million miles away in Boston, and I speak to her maybe three times a year. My loyalty knows no bounds.
As I got older, I realized that I was better than the sum total of my terrible experiences of my childhood, but not until I was finished with school altogether, and sometimes I feel that horrible sting of worthlessness and loneliness.
So I grew up apart from the rest of my family, not by choice, but by design, and decided to keep myself apart, even after I grew up out of my awkward stage and into the adult awkward stage that I'm currently in. But I figured out that I didn't need the shit that my family put me through.
There's a whole lot more things, that have to do with the care of my grandparents, blaming me when they ended up in the hospital when as a 23 year old I clearly knew nothing about taking care of anyone, and blamed me, when my aunt's had done nothing to lift a finger to help me take care of them. Those things turned me bitter and I decided that I really wouldn't have anything to do with them.
So imagine my surprise when my mom was keen on telling my family that I had cancer. I knew that they wouldn't care, they would only care so they would have something to gossip about, but I let my mom have her way, and she told her sisters what was happening.
Their amount of caring was shown when they didn't call to ask me how I was doing. When they didn't show up at the hospital to visit me after my surgery. Or even when I went home from my surgery and still heard nothing from them. It just confirmed my suspicions that they really didn't care. So I let go of them, and I felt better for it. Then about four months after my surgery I got an email from my oldest cousin who decided to send me an inappropriate email on facebook about my cancer, the is the email:
Hi its me .... ur cousin I want u to know that u will always be my cousin I know know we never been that close but we still are family, and I love you and I regret not being there for u growing up hanging out, I guess I was wrapped up in my life and all the issues that come with life. I was just looking at all the pix and really enjoying my self. Especially the one of the baby, I am so happy that u are blessed with ane nefew my spelling is wrong but I had a brain fart of spelling. Well I heard u had cancer in ur uterus, I send my smpathy to u but life must go on rite. So hows life with u? I am still up here in Washinton and I am still alive thank god! Well I would like to here from u so lets keepin in touch and can u give ur mom and dad akiss from and tell them I said Aloha family. lol... the eldest cousin!! haha
Imagine my surprise and confusion at receiving such an email. I suppose it's her way of showing her support, but..... It just pissed me off that she sent it. Life must go on. True, but don't send me your sympathy's and then tell me to get over losing whatever future that I had been planning for myself. Like it was going to be easy, and fast do to such a thing.
Two years later, and I'm still trying to deal with it. Any mention of someone dying of cancer, and I immediately feel survivors guilt. I feel guilty that my cancer was 'easily' taken cared of. No chemo, no sickness, no baldness, just cut out my uterus and then I'm cancer free. I cry at odd times, like when I realize that I'll never tell someone we're going to have kids, or when I realize that I'm far too afraid to even attempt to engage in a relationship because later I'm going to have to explain that we can't ever have kids. I worry about it some days, to the point where I can't think of anything else.
Anyway. So I now forget the point of this post. Only that if you want to know the reason why I don't speak my to my family, that letter is the main reason. They think they're doing good, but it's really harmful. And they think that I'm their friend, but I'm really not. I'm just someone that they are related to. Because in order to be a family, you have to care about them, and worry about them, and love them. And I honestly don't feel like my extended family feels like that about me, or my mother so I don't really feel that way about them.
Anyway, it was a great time to be a kid. TV show's were so limited to Sesame Street and Reading Rainbow. We were riding our bikes all day until the sun went down and my mom shouted for me to come inside for dinner. There was a park behind of our house that was over grown and had a burnt out building that I used to explore all the time. It was good to be a kid in the 80's.
When I was a child, my three older cousins, ignored me. Pretended that I wasn't there, especially after I reached a certain age, because they became teenagers and too cool to hang out with me... Or even talk to me for that matter. Because I didn't have any cousins my own age (that I knew of, I found out about one when I was about 18, and couldn't careless at that point) I was the biggest loner ever. I played by myself in the yard, I sat on the porch and watched the other kids in the neighborhood play because even they had this love/hate relationship with me. The girls in the neighborhood would let me tag along, but I always knew I wasn't wanted, until they got into fights. Then they would fight over each other over who would get my attention. Until they made up and decided that I was no longer that interesting. I hardly had friends at school because I was a chubby kid with light skin and very curly frizzy hair, which no one in my house could figure out how to deal with. I got picked on a lot. So I stayed away from the other kids. Hung out at the edges of the play ground, kept my head down, and kept to myself.
I suppose that's why when I finally met the first person in the history of my life, to be accepting of me, no matter how much of a spaz I was or how fat I was or how curly my hair was, I loved her all the more for seeing past all that shit, and saw the shy, terrified girl and brought her out of her shell. I still count her as one of my most valued friends, even if she lives a million miles away in Boston, and I speak to her maybe three times a year. My loyalty knows no bounds.
As I got older, I realized that I was better than the sum total of my terrible experiences of my childhood, but not until I was finished with school altogether, and sometimes I feel that horrible sting of worthlessness and loneliness.
So I grew up apart from the rest of my family, not by choice, but by design, and decided to keep myself apart, even after I grew up out of my awkward stage and into the adult awkward stage that I'm currently in. But I figured out that I didn't need the shit that my family put me through.
There's a whole lot more things, that have to do with the care of my grandparents, blaming me when they ended up in the hospital when as a 23 year old I clearly knew nothing about taking care of anyone, and blamed me, when my aunt's had done nothing to lift a finger to help me take care of them. Those things turned me bitter and I decided that I really wouldn't have anything to do with them.
So imagine my surprise when my mom was keen on telling my family that I had cancer. I knew that they wouldn't care, they would only care so they would have something to gossip about, but I let my mom have her way, and she told her sisters what was happening.
Their amount of caring was shown when they didn't call to ask me how I was doing. When they didn't show up at the hospital to visit me after my surgery. Or even when I went home from my surgery and still heard nothing from them. It just confirmed my suspicions that they really didn't care. So I let go of them, and I felt better for it. Then about four months after my surgery I got an email from my oldest cousin who decided to send me an inappropriate email on facebook about my cancer, the is the email:
Hi its me .... ur cousin I want u to know that u will always be my cousin I know know we never been that close but we still are family, and I love you and I regret not being there for u growing up hanging out, I guess I was wrapped up in my life and all the issues that come with life. I was just looking at all the pix and really enjoying my self. Especially the one of the baby, I am so happy that u are blessed with ane nefew my spelling is wrong but I had a brain fart of spelling. Well I heard u had cancer in ur uterus, I send my smpathy to u but life must go on rite. So hows life with u? I am still up here in Washinton and I am still alive thank god! Well I would like to here from u so lets keepin in touch and can u give ur mom and dad akiss from and tell them I said Aloha family. lol... the eldest cousin!! haha
Imagine my surprise and confusion at receiving such an email. I suppose it's her way of showing her support, but..... It just pissed me off that she sent it. Life must go on. True, but don't send me your sympathy's and then tell me to get over losing whatever future that I had been planning for myself. Like it was going to be easy, and fast do to such a thing.
Two years later, and I'm still trying to deal with it. Any mention of someone dying of cancer, and I immediately feel survivors guilt. I feel guilty that my cancer was 'easily' taken cared of. No chemo, no sickness, no baldness, just cut out my uterus and then I'm cancer free. I cry at odd times, like when I realize that I'll never tell someone we're going to have kids, or when I realize that I'm far too afraid to even attempt to engage in a relationship because later I'm going to have to explain that we can't ever have kids. I worry about it some days, to the point where I can't think of anything else.
Anyway. So I now forget the point of this post. Only that if you want to know the reason why I don't speak my to my family, that letter is the main reason. They think they're doing good, but it's really harmful. And they think that I'm their friend, but I'm really not. I'm just someone that they are related to. Because in order to be a family, you have to care about them, and worry about them, and love them. And I honestly don't feel like my extended family feels like that about me, or my mother so I don't really feel that way about them.
Comments
Post a Comment